Dear the future love of my life,

There are few things that I will ever want from you, the list of requirements is fairly simple. I hope that you will make me laugh every day of the year. I hope you’ll bring me coffee when I’m grumpy, and chocolate when I’m sad. You’ll need to put up with my ever changing moods, and know that even when I need my time alone, that I still love you with all of my heart. I hope you’ll take me to bookstores and don’t mind that I take 10 hours to choose on a single book that I’ll probably never get around to reading. I hope you’ll be okay with my ridiculous schedule and realize that it’s only because I refuse to give up on my many passions, and I hope you pursue your passions too. I hope we can spend weekend watching football and you’ll be okay with me pretending I have any idea what’s going on. I hope someday you’ll give me a house with a window seat and library. I hope someday you’ll remember to ask my father for my hand. I hope you’ll understand that despite how dysfunctional my family is and how much I complain, that they mean the most to me. You’ll need to remind me to sit down and breathe, you’ll need to remind me to say no. You’ll have to remind me that I don’t need to change my outfits 4000 times because no matter what you love me. I hope you help me find the good in each day, and hug me on those days where nothing seems to go right. I hope we’ll travel, and I hope that we can see the world together. I need you to just hug me during my breakdowns, and engage in my silliness. I need you to accept me for my blonde moments and just nod and smile when I get excited about insignificant things. I need you to be my friend, keep all my secrets, pretend to listen to my ramblings, and just be there. I don’t need you to buy me things, or take me places, just hold my hand and walk by my side through this crazy thing we call life.

Sincerely,

Me

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Let me mush

I’m really sorry, but these make me swoon so hard…

 

See now look at you finding the silver lining

 

It’s one thing I’m usually good for

 

That makes one of us 

 

Hence why you keep me around

 

Its more you keeping me around

No my darling. You clearly don’t have a clue what you have done for me in such a short time. How you respect me, and put up with me, and for whatever reason chose me to show so much kindness to. You are someone who is so intensely independent but you share your time with me. You have opened up to me, and I haven’t a clue why. In my absolute worst, you saw me for my best. When there are so many things going wrong and confusing me, and in a situation where I normally run and hide, I have never been more confident. I never believed what anyone said about the positive side of relationships or any of those feelings things, and you told me you might prove to me that all men don’t suck. You kept your word and continue to do so over and over. 

No this has not been easy, nor has it been perfect, but I would not have it any other way. I am excited to see where this all goes. I have never been more excited about the future before. Normally the future scares me, but for once, I am positive about all that is to come. 

No fear for the future, but I’m terrified…

So Nick asked me out this weekend. There’s potential for dates in the future. Real dates. Not just weekend hanging out with friends. 

There was also an awkward slip in about me still tolerating him 30 years from now (Tolerating is what I use to say I like you). 30 years from now… Well thats a rather long time, and a statement that I probably would have freaked out an run from that kind of committal idea. But it was oddly comforting… Like I wasn’t weirded out at all. 

My ex used to mention being together a few months into the future and it made me baby barf. But this is 30 years into the future and it didn’t make me feel weird at all. The thoughts that make me want to puke? This summer. 3 months apart. My birthday being home away from him and my other friends here. When he gets his own place and doesn’t need to get away from home if he’ll stop coming to visit on a random week night. Saying or doing something that might scare him away. After graduation life. Those are the things that terrify me. 

The other morning was absolute perfection, and if I could wake up that way every day, I’d be extremely content with my life. 

You know when you’re life is like a movie you never want to stop watching. I think I’m there.

Faith

I don’t really believe in any specific religion, but I do believe in faith. I like the idea of just putting things out into the universe and hoping for the best. I’ve put a lot of faith in just letting things come and go because I’ve found the universe has a funny way of making the right things come together. 90% of the things I have in life I never asked for, they just wandered their way in somehow, and those are usually the things I like most. Anything I’ve ever tried to force usually falls to shit or ends up hurting rather than helping, so I’ve given up trying on a lot of fronts and just allowing myself to see where life takes me.

I think that’s what faith really is. Faith really transcends a single religion, though it is a central part. Many of us lose sight of what it means to truly have faith when we are constantly trying to control the outcome of our lives; trusting a greater being to have a plan, even if you don’t have one or know what the big plan is. You kind of end up wherever you need to be with experiences that help get you there whether they were positive or negative. Everything does seem to fall into place and eventually go right, even if it isn’t what you expected or originally set out to do.

And I think that’s what makes life so exciting, having blind faith, forgetting any intended hopes for the future, and allowing life to surprise you. That’s what makes life interesting. If we already knew how our story was supposed to end, then what is the point of living the story at all?

12.2.13

“You’re lucky I can handle BS”

“I’m worth it I think”

“Eh, we’ll see about that ;)”

“ok, let me know when you realize it :)”

“Nah, I think I’ll just keep you guessing”

“Spoken like a true woman”

 

its cheesy and kind of ridiculous when I look back at it, but it made me smile and I think its the first time I’ve realized, I’m head over heels for one of my best friends. I don’t quite know where all of this will go. All that I do know is that I haven’t had something to look forward to aside from a break from this disaster of a semester I have called my life. At this point, I’m open to anything that brings some kind of smile to my face or makes me feel anything other than disappointed. 

This is the point where I usually run. I drop off, I hide, get out, move on, sleep with someone else. But I don’t have the desire to do any of those things. Maybe it’s because I think he actually cares. Maybe because he’s my friend and I trust him, I know him, I already know he puts up with my nonsense and doesn’t care that I have crazy friends, because half of them are his too. 

A week ago I was terrified about this whole thing, but now I am hopeful. It still shocks me every time I realize it, that someone might actually care about me in this way. I still think that I am too much of a mess to deserve it. I also think that I’ll end up messing things up and hurt him in the way he said he doesn’t want to be hurt again. I’ve never had someone open up like that to me. There are still so many things about me that he doesn’t know. Maybe he’ll run when he hears them, but then maybe he’ll see, as I have, how alike we are. 

What I like best is, I don’t think this is going to be rushed, no one is going to force it, there’s really no pressure from other people. Kelsey says she knows its all just going to happen, she seems so confident that it’s going to happen, so I’m not really concerned that it wouldn’t. 

I still have my struggles. Those moments when I don’t hear from him I jump to the worst conclusion based on past experiences, but what I’m learning is that the past is just a story, and this is not a part of it. There is something different here. I haven’t figured out what it is. 

Talking is easy, like talking to a friend; we never run out of things to say, the conversation continues throughout the day, most often into the night until one of us falls asleep. But there is that underlying something else. There’s that extra bit of excitement when his name pops up, and sometimes at the dumbest comment I can’t stop smiling as I read it. When we’re together, even in a large group, I can look at friends I’ve known just as long and I look at him like I’ve known him forever. 

It all sounds so pathetic, but I’m just trying to make sense of it all. If you had told me years ago that I would feel this way about him, that all of these things would be happening, I probably wouldn’t believe you. Hell if you said that about anything that happened this semester I wouldn’t believe you, especially since I can’t believe all of these things could happen at the same time. 

I don’t know. I don’t care, i’m done trying. The universe has things planned and set out. Usually when I listen it takes me to the right place, so I’m handing over the reigns. Wish me luck.