Dear the future love of my life,

There are few things that I will ever want from you, the list of requirements is fairly simple. I hope that you will make me laugh every day of the year. I hope you’ll bring me coffee when I’m grumpy, and chocolate when I’m sad. You’ll need to put up with my ever changing moods, and know that even when I need my time alone, that I still love you with all of my heart. I hope you’ll take me to bookstores and don’t mind that I take 10 hours to choose on a single book that I’ll probably never get around to reading. I hope you’ll be okay with my ridiculous schedule and realize that it’s only because I refuse to give up on my many passions, and I hope you pursue your passions too. I hope we can spend weekend watching football and you’ll be okay with me pretending I have any idea what’s going on. I hope someday you’ll give me a house with a window seat and library. I hope someday you’ll remember to ask my father for my hand. I hope you’ll understand that despite how dysfunctional my family is and how much I complain, that they mean the most to me. You’ll need to remind me to sit down and breathe, you’ll need to remind me to say no. You’ll have to remind me that I don’t need to change my outfits 4000 times because no matter what you love me. I hope you help me find the good in each day, and hug me on those days where nothing seems to go right. I hope we’ll travel, and I hope that we can see the world together. I need you to just hug me during my breakdowns, and engage in my silliness. I need you to accept me for my blonde moments and just nod and smile when I get excited about insignificant things. I need you to be my friend, keep all my secrets, pretend to listen to my ramblings, and just be there. I don’t need you to buy me things, or take me places, just hold my hand and walk by my side through this crazy thing we call life.

Sincerely,

Me

Advertisements

Let me mush

I’m really sorry, but these make me swoon so hard…

 

See now look at you finding the silver lining

 

It’s one thing I’m usually good for

 

That makes one of us 

 

Hence why you keep me around

 

Its more you keeping me around

No my darling. You clearly don’t have a clue what you have done for me in such a short time. How you respect me, and put up with me, and for whatever reason chose me to show so much kindness to. You are someone who is so intensely independent but you share your time with me. You have opened up to me, and I haven’t a clue why. In my absolute worst, you saw me for my best. When there are so many things going wrong and confusing me, and in a situation where I normally run and hide, I have never been more confident. I never believed what anyone said about the positive side of relationships or any of those feelings things, and you told me you might prove to me that all men don’t suck. You kept your word and continue to do so over and over. 

No this has not been easy, nor has it been perfect, but I would not have it any other way. I am excited to see where this all goes. I have never been more excited about the future before. Normally the future scares me, but for once, I am positive about all that is to come. 

Sheldon and Amy

Perhaps my all time favorite TV couple. Why? They’re bluntly honest, because they would not be in a relationship in any other condition except with each other, their relationship is about as pure as it gets. Its awkward as all hell, yes, but it is honest in all forms. 

The episode where Sheldon finally asks Amy to be his girlfriend, it’s probably the most precious thing I’ve ever seen. I don’t care if they are fictional characters, they’re fantastic. 

It’s so cute I want to gag

How was your friday evening?

Went to ice cream with my parents hahaaa

That sounds exhilerating. So do you miss the oxbox yet?

Quite a bit actually

Well I am excited for you to get back as well, we are getting close to my monthly visit time

Awww do you miss me? And technically you skipped december, therefore you have some making up to do

I neither agree or disagree with that statement and you left before I could visit so whose fault is that?

That would be my father’s for booking my flight

Well maybe I’ll just come twice in January to get my fill of oxbox since he robbed me of my december visit

Increasing your oxbox appearance just for me? I feel so special!

As you should, that is a lot of effort for me. We will try this twice a month thing in January and see how that goes and maybe make that the new norm

Remember that “awkward filled with desire to suck face” comment from earlier? I think thats what this is… It was very late at night and I am going to assume that he was intoxicated in some way because 1. he never starts the conversation, especially at midnight, and he never speaks this “mushily” (yes, this is about as mushy as the doofus gets).

I really just want it to be January, is that too much to ask for?

Say Something, I’m Giving Up

And I will stumble and fall, I’m still learning to love, just starting to crawl. Say something I’m giving up on you. I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you. Anywhere I would have followed you, say something I’m giving up on you.

~ A Great Big World

As of recent, Nick has backed off significantly. I’m afraid to push him anywhere. I know he needs his space. Maybe I need to leave my selfish greed aside and let him work in his own time. I forget what it was like to be in the place he was in. I should be that much more understanding because of it.

I care enough about him that I want him to be comfortable, and I care enough about myself not to push anything towards another disaster – because we all know I don’t need anymore of those.

If it is meant to be it will be, but we cannot force anything in life. Lay my life at the hands of the universe and all shall be well.

Because I like you…

I like you because 

  • even though you’re stubborn, you’ll give in just for me.
  • even though you’re lazy, you’ll try hard just for me.
  • even though you’re shy, you’ll open up just for me.
  • even though you’re independent, you choose to spend time with me.
  • even though I know you’re past and you know mine, you still keep me around. 
  • even though you know I’m all kinds of crazy, you like me for it and accept me for me.
  • even though you know my past, you still even speak to me.
  • even though you’re brilliant, you don’t mind that I don’t always understand you.
  • even though you’ve seen me at my worst, you’re not afraid to be with me.
  • even though I don’t deserve you, you still want me. 

The subtle hints that make me swoon.

I’m this pathetic, but these little moments don’t come often with my doofus. 

Today he said I get unlimited cuddle privileges. That’s his way of saying he wants to be with me.

When I asked why, he said because I’m a lovely person. That’s his way of saying he thinks I’m awesome.

Then he made fun of my track record of men and said I attract “winners” excluding himself. That’s his way of saying he’s attracted to me. 

I made fun of him by saying he was sarcastically a great catch. He said “for a very independent girl, I am perfect.” That’s his way of saying I’m perfect for him. 

These may be wildly wrongly interpreted assumptions. But I know Nick enough as my friend to know that this is probably very true. I wish January wasn’t so far away. I’d really like to start figuring this whole situation out. I have wonderful timing when it comes to relationships. But until then, I think I’m stuck just calming myself down and pacing it out. 

Have I mentioned I’m not a very patient person?

12.2.13

“You’re lucky I can handle BS”

“I’m worth it I think”

“Eh, we’ll see about that ;)”

“ok, let me know when you realize it :)”

“Nah, I think I’ll just keep you guessing”

“Spoken like a true woman”

 

its cheesy and kind of ridiculous when I look back at it, but it made me smile and I think its the first time I’ve realized, I’m head over heels for one of my best friends. I don’t quite know where all of this will go. All that I do know is that I haven’t had something to look forward to aside from a break from this disaster of a semester I have called my life. At this point, I’m open to anything that brings some kind of smile to my face or makes me feel anything other than disappointed. 

This is the point where I usually run. I drop off, I hide, get out, move on, sleep with someone else. But I don’t have the desire to do any of those things. Maybe it’s because I think he actually cares. Maybe because he’s my friend and I trust him, I know him, I already know he puts up with my nonsense and doesn’t care that I have crazy friends, because half of them are his too. 

A week ago I was terrified about this whole thing, but now I am hopeful. It still shocks me every time I realize it, that someone might actually care about me in this way. I still think that I am too much of a mess to deserve it. I also think that I’ll end up messing things up and hurt him in the way he said he doesn’t want to be hurt again. I’ve never had someone open up like that to me. There are still so many things about me that he doesn’t know. Maybe he’ll run when he hears them, but then maybe he’ll see, as I have, how alike we are. 

What I like best is, I don’t think this is going to be rushed, no one is going to force it, there’s really no pressure from other people. Kelsey says she knows its all just going to happen, she seems so confident that it’s going to happen, so I’m not really concerned that it wouldn’t. 

I still have my struggles. Those moments when I don’t hear from him I jump to the worst conclusion based on past experiences, but what I’m learning is that the past is just a story, and this is not a part of it. There is something different here. I haven’t figured out what it is. 

Talking is easy, like talking to a friend; we never run out of things to say, the conversation continues throughout the day, most often into the night until one of us falls asleep. But there is that underlying something else. There’s that extra bit of excitement when his name pops up, and sometimes at the dumbest comment I can’t stop smiling as I read it. When we’re together, even in a large group, I can look at friends I’ve known just as long and I look at him like I’ve known him forever. 

It all sounds so pathetic, but I’m just trying to make sense of it all. If you had told me years ago that I would feel this way about him, that all of these things would be happening, I probably wouldn’t believe you. Hell if you said that about anything that happened this semester I wouldn’t believe you, especially since I can’t believe all of these things could happen at the same time. 

I don’t know. I don’t care, i’m done trying. The universe has things planned and set out. Usually when I listen it takes me to the right place, so I’m handing over the reigns. Wish me luck.

Wrong place, wrong time

So this past weekend things with S and I kind of ended. Not completely, and not in a bad way, but we’re just friends now. He wasn’t looking for a relationship, he didn’t know what he wanted. Quite frankly neither did I. But I’m glad I confronted him when I did, because who knows how long the both of us would have just floated through doing whatever we were doing. I stood up, I used my voice, and I realized that I don’t have to live in limbo. You’re allowed to ask for answers, even if you don’t like the answer.

You kind of forget how messed up other people are by their pasts, and even if you’ve gotten over yours, not everyone has gotten over theirs. S’s hard times are a little more recent than mine. I’ve had my time to grow and be all I’ve wanted to be for myself. S hasn’t. And I want that for him, because I do care about him even as a friend. We became close over the month that we’ve known each other. Talking every night until we fell asleep. Spending all of our weekends together.

I’ve always said you get to know someone best during your college years because you’re all in such close quarters that you kind of have no choice. But it also opens your mind, reminds you that everyone has a story. Everyone has more than the smile you see on their face as you pass on the street. You don’t know just what someone is going through until you live with them. And for a while thats basically what we were doing.

I’ve always been one to let the universe figure out the big things for me. I can sweat the small stuff, but when it comes to the path I’m supposed to be walking, the universe has always had a way of bringing me right where I needed to be. That sounds cliche, but when I think about everything I have that has made me the happiest in life, those things have kind of just appeared without me ever really trying. So I’m letting the universe take the wheel and figure things out for a bit. And maybe some day at the right place in the right time, it will all work out. Until then? Que sera sera. It is what it is.

Men are from Mars…

…and women are from Venus. Two polar opposite planets far far away in a giant solar system. I didn’t completely understand it – because I tend to relate more to guys than girls on a daily basis – until now. Me and having a whole boy “thing” does not seem to be working out well, and I now remember why I choose to remain single and stick to one night stands and fuck buddies(see what I mean here by me being more of a dude?). I was never one to try and deal with all this “feelings” BS because I think they’re petty and ridiculous. But sometimes the universe likes to toss you for a loop and force you to face the things you never wanted to face. As I’ve stated in previous posts, lately I’ve fallen into a bit of puppy-like (because I refuse to use the other L word). This kid, S, kind of blew in out of no where and it hasn’t exactly gone away. But it also hasn’t gone anywhere else either which is starting to piss me off and confuse the hell out of me. 

Quick run down of how things have gone so far: we met, we had sex, we speak every day, he tells me he misses me during the week, he stays in my bed every weekend (sex or not), he has made attempts to befriend my friends, he constantly hints that I should go and visit him at his house one weekend, hints at doing date like things, then does absolutely nothing about all of it and has suddenly become uber focused on the sex and less and less on the actually relating to each other in a personal matter. 

Now if he is anything like me, which I’m pretty sure he is otherwise I wouldn’t be this attracted to him, he fears commitment more than anything in the world even though it seems completely logical in the way this is going. It’s been a month. That is the longest relationship, official or not, I’ve had since high school, and that was mostly because I didn’t know how to break up with the guy. 

So for now I’m rocking it out in limbo wondering what the hell is going on. I think about him constantly, I want him to ask me to go out, or to do something just the two of us for once, but his little dumb butt won’t do anything about it. The kid just turned down a weekend alone at his house so we could hang out here, with our friends, like we do every weekend. Granted this weekend was probably the worst time for him to have an empty house. Its our first football weekend, dozens of our friends we never see are coming to visit, and we’ve kind of been looking forward to this for a while. But one night out of a whole weekend? Maybe I’m being needy and looking too far into it. But I’ve noticed other things leaning in an odd direction. 

Things had been going so well. We started talking more: lunch break quick convos to see how the day was going, or before work texts to say good morning, and other stupid nonsense. Then all of a sudden it stopped. Literally, I had a freak out that he just decided to no longer talk to me because I went from hearing from him at 8am to not hearing from him until 10pm. The conversations were centered around mostly sex, or sexual jokes, which is fine I guess, we’ve always talked and joked about it, but not this much. But right after he decided he’d rather come up here to hang with his bros then spend one damn night just the two of us, he decided to ask for pictures. He’s never asked for them before and I’ve never sent them just willy nilly, and after I said no, he just stopped answering. Oh, okay, cool… NOT. 

One of my greatest fears when dealing with the opposite sex in this kind of context is that I have never had a relationship that was not based solely around sex. I’m good at it. I like it. It comes easier than just about anything else relationship wise other than my fabulous flirtation skills, but for once I thought this just might be something more. I thought someone might actually like me for the person I’ve worked so hard to become and not just a piece of ass. That was my greatest fear going in to all of this. Especially considering how we met. But in so many ways he had hinted that that wasn’t the case. He even called me out the one time that I said something that could be taken as I’m concerned that this is what we have. He told me anything I’m worried about I shouldn’t be. Just like that. So I stupidly trusted him. 

A week before I met S, I swore off men, and maybe I should have stuck to my guns. Maybe I’m just the kind of person who is supposed to be alone. I don’t do well with other people. I do well being on my own, which is odd because it used to be that me on my own was like setting off a ticking time bomb. Have I become so independent that there is just no way of letting anyone in anymore? 

Or maybe I’m just becoming one of those crazy bitches that over analyzes every situation until she goes crazy and drives everyone around her crazy in the process. A.k.a I’m becoming every girl I’ve ever hated or swore I would never be. 

It’s like I no longer have control of my rational thought when it comes to him – holy mother I sound dumb and desperate. But I swear I’m not. Honestly, if things ended badly, I’d be okay. I might be mad for a little while, but I’d go back to living my life how I have for the last 2 years since my last relationship blew up.

But I actually wanted this to work. Slow and steady yes, but I did. I don’t need him to ask me to be his girlfriend or ask me on a date or anything, but I would like to know if he’s just like every other guy that has crossed my path and seen me as an object, or if there is the potential that maybe, just maybe, for once I found something different without even trying. 

Do I sound crazy? Should I say something? Do something? Kick him in the balls until he makes a decision? I’m at a loss here. This is undiscovered territory I’m walking and it is stressing me out to no end. Mostly because it came at THE WORST possible time of the semester other than midterms and finals. So maybe just the added stress is making me over react and I’m not becoming a dumb girl, just a stressed one. I don’t know, I don’t even know if I care anymore. No, I do care otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this. Any advise from the beautiful blogosphere? Because I could use some. And a cup of coffee. And some chocolate.