…and women are from Venus. Two polar opposite planets far far away in a giant solar system. I didn’t completely understand it – because I tend to relate more to guys than girls on a daily basis – until now. Me and having a whole boy “thing” does not seem to be working out well, and I now remember why I choose to remain single and stick to one night stands and fuck buddies(see what I mean here by me being more of a dude?). I was never one to try and deal with all this “feelings” BS because I think they’re petty and ridiculous. But sometimes the universe likes to toss you for a loop and force you to face the things you never wanted to face. As I’ve stated in previous posts, lately I’ve fallen into a bit of puppy-like (because I refuse to use the other L word). This kid, S, kind of blew in out of no where and it hasn’t exactly gone away. But it also hasn’t gone anywhere else either which is starting to piss me off and confuse the hell out of me.
Quick run down of how things have gone so far: we met, we had sex, we speak every day, he tells me he misses me during the week, he stays in my bed every weekend (sex or not), he has made attempts to befriend my friends, he constantly hints that I should go and visit him at his house one weekend, hints at doing date like things, then does absolutely nothing about all of it and has suddenly become uber focused on the sex and less and less on the actually relating to each other in a personal matter.
Now if he is anything like me, which I’m pretty sure he is otherwise I wouldn’t be this attracted to him, he fears commitment more than anything in the world even though it seems completely logical in the way this is going. It’s been a month. That is the longest relationship, official or not, I’ve had since high school, and that was mostly because I didn’t know how to break up with the guy.
So for now I’m rocking it out in limbo wondering what the hell is going on. I think about him constantly, I want him to ask me to go out, or to do something just the two of us for once, but his little dumb butt won’t do anything about it. The kid just turned down a weekend alone at his house so we could hang out here, with our friends, like we do every weekend. Granted this weekend was probably the worst time for him to have an empty house. Its our first football weekend, dozens of our friends we never see are coming to visit, and we’ve kind of been looking forward to this for a while. But one night out of a whole weekend? Maybe I’m being needy and looking too far into it. But I’ve noticed other things leaning in an odd direction.
Things had been going so well. We started talking more: lunch break quick convos to see how the day was going, or before work texts to say good morning, and other stupid nonsense. Then all of a sudden it stopped. Literally, I had a freak out that he just decided to no longer talk to me because I went from hearing from him at 8am to not hearing from him until 10pm. The conversations were centered around mostly sex, or sexual jokes, which is fine I guess, we’ve always talked and joked about it, but not this much. But right after he decided he’d rather come up here to hang with his bros then spend one damn night just the two of us, he decided to ask for pictures. He’s never asked for them before and I’ve never sent them just willy nilly, and after I said no, he just stopped answering. Oh, okay, cool… NOT.
One of my greatest fears when dealing with the opposite sex in this kind of context is that I have never had a relationship that was not based solely around sex. I’m good at it. I like it. It comes easier than just about anything else relationship wise other than my fabulous flirtation skills, but for once I thought this just might be something more. I thought someone might actually like me for the person I’ve worked so hard to become and not just a piece of ass. That was my greatest fear going in to all of this. Especially considering how we met. But in so many ways he had hinted that that wasn’t the case. He even called me out the one time that I said something that could be taken as I’m concerned that this is what we have. He told me anything I’m worried about I shouldn’t be. Just like that. So I stupidly trusted him.
A week before I met S, I swore off men, and maybe I should have stuck to my guns. Maybe I’m just the kind of person who is supposed to be alone. I don’t do well with other people. I do well being on my own, which is odd because it used to be that me on my own was like setting off a ticking time bomb. Have I become so independent that there is just no way of letting anyone in anymore?
Or maybe I’m just becoming one of those crazy bitches that over analyzes every situation until she goes crazy and drives everyone around her crazy in the process. A.k.a I’m becoming every girl I’ve ever hated or swore I would never be.
It’s like I no longer have control of my rational thought when it comes to him – holy mother I sound dumb and desperate. But I swear I’m not. Honestly, if things ended badly, I’d be okay. I might be mad for a little while, but I’d go back to living my life how I have for the last 2 years since my last relationship blew up.
But I actually wanted this to work. Slow and steady yes, but I did. I don’t need him to ask me to be his girlfriend or ask me on a date or anything, but I would like to know if he’s just like every other guy that has crossed my path and seen me as an object, or if there is the potential that maybe, just maybe, for once I found something different without even trying.
Do I sound crazy? Should I say something? Do something? Kick him in the balls until he makes a decision? I’m at a loss here. This is undiscovered territory I’m walking and it is stressing me out to no end. Mostly because it came at THE WORST possible time of the semester other than midterms and finals. So maybe just the added stress is making me over react and I’m not becoming a dumb girl, just a stressed one. I don’t know, I don’t even know if I care anymore. No, I do care otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this. Any advise from the beautiful blogosphere? Because I could use some. And a cup of coffee. And some chocolate.