Plans fail…

At the beginning of this summer, I had all these plans. I had planned on blogging every day. This has obviously not occurred. I planned on tanning every day, or at least soaking up a few rays. It’s rained or been cloudy almost every day. I planned on getting my life together so I could focus on my future. I really need to come to terms with the fact that I will NEVER have my life together no matter how hard I try.

Life is hard, life is crazy. Planning is practically useless.

Lesson to be learned? Live in the moment, and be okay with it. Realize there is nothing wrong with not having a clue what you are doing in anything you pursue, because even those who appear to have it together are faking it. This world is rapidly changing at a crazy pace. Enjoy the ride and just go with it.

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It’s okay to show weakness

Sometimes, I get so set in being the “strong” one, that I forget its okay to be weak. I have a hard time showing weakness around others, but it gets to the point sometimes where I break down. I have a panic attack for a good 10 minutes, and then I’m ready to move on. Fake it for another day. I’m good at faking it to get by. I did it for a number of years in high school, so whenever I need to do it now, it comes automatically. I don’t even recognize “bad days” anymore. Being sad is a fleeting feeling. It lasts for a moment, and then its on to doing something else. 

In some cases its a good thing. It helps me keep my head on straight at work and lets me work well under pressure. 

The thing about sadness though is that it builds. Sadness is not a fleeting feeling. It hides in the darkest parts of yourself, until it runs out of places to hide. Then it rears its ugly head, and there is nothing you can do to stop it. 

There is a balance between strength and weakness. It is a fine line that we walk from day to day, sometimes its so thin that strength and weakness become one in the same. It is a war we fight within our selves throughout our entire lives. In an instant, we can go from having the times of our lives, to feeling like the world is at its end. 

It happened last night. One minute I was having a blast with friends, and the next I just couldn’t keep it together. I ran off into a bathroom, curled up on the floor and cried my eyes out – PS. crying during allergy season is the worst! 

And of course it was over a stupid boy. I hate crying over boys. I’m quite frankly very done with it. With them as a species in general as well.

For the first time since Nick ended things, I had time to think on everything. I found some of his stuff under my bed, but I threw a blanket over it and moved on. Then Blake came up for the usual Friday night, and I got to be the wonderful 3rd wheel I’ve come accustomed to being. We went to a movie at a theater, then were just staying in for the night and watching more movies. This overwhelming feeling of missing Nick just kind of washed over me. It just felt like he was supposed to be there, and he wasn’t. I didn’t want to look like an idiot whining over a break-up of a relationship that was never really a relationship, so I sucked it up and made it through the night. 

Then Saturday night, a few friends came in to town. One has a habit of hitting on me frequently. We kissed once and he’s been hooked since. So he tried, as usual; being an officially single man only making him put in all the more effort. For the first time ever, I couldn’t handle being hit on. All I wanted to do was run. (Odd, because the weekend after the breakup I was totally fine hooking up with my friend that was in town… oops. But I think that was more out of anger than anything else.) To make things worse, of the two guys that hit on me that night, both of them didn’t seem all that upset with me not flirting back. They moved right on to the next girl and both of them ended up kissing and/or going home with other girls. I hated that I was back to being treated like an object, a pawn in the game of sex. On top of that, one of our visiting friends wouldn’t stop asking if I was okay even after I said I was fine and didn’t feel like talking. Then my roommate kept asking if I was okay, if I wanted to just go home. 

I didn’t want to go home. I was determined to go out and have a normal college night. I got a little nasty and snapped at her, I’ve never snapped at her before. I didn’t like it.

Then as we were walking someplace else, one of the guys that had hit on me and I had witnessed making out with another girl decided to try and hit on me again. Then he brought up Nick. And then I lost it. I made it in to the sushi place just fine, but then people kept asking if I was okay, and I couldn’t keep up the charade. 

The fact was, I was not okay. I was not okay at all. 24 hours, 10 episodes of FRIENDS and a quart of ice cream later I still don’t think I am. I get so focused on all other things that I tend to forget that sometimes, I’m not okay. Plowing through life and filling up your schedule so you don’t have to face the bad stuff isn’t a solution. Saying “I’m fine” does nothing. It plays in to all of the lies you tell yourself to make it through the day. You’re allowed to say, “I’m not fine, but I don’t want to talk about it; I promise I will be okay though.” Because you will be okay. You’ve gotten through ever single day of your life up until right now, and you’ll continue to do it for as long as this universe will allow you to live. You don’t always need to be “fine”. What you do need is the will to keep working and moving forward. Remember that you’re not alone in your pain, everyone suffers; some are just better at covering it up than others. 

No fear for the future, but I’m terrified…

So Nick asked me out this weekend. There’s potential for dates in the future. Real dates. Not just weekend hanging out with friends. 

There was also an awkward slip in about me still tolerating him 30 years from now (Tolerating is what I use to say I like you). 30 years from now… Well thats a rather long time, and a statement that I probably would have freaked out an run from that kind of committal idea. But it was oddly comforting… Like I wasn’t weirded out at all. 

My ex used to mention being together a few months into the future and it made me baby barf. But this is 30 years into the future and it didn’t make me feel weird at all. The thoughts that make me want to puke? This summer. 3 months apart. My birthday being home away from him and my other friends here. When he gets his own place and doesn’t need to get away from home if he’ll stop coming to visit on a random week night. Saying or doing something that might scare him away. After graduation life. Those are the things that terrify me. 

The other morning was absolute perfection, and if I could wake up that way every day, I’d be extremely content with my life. 

You know when you’re life is like a movie you never want to stop watching. I think I’m there.

12.2.13

“You’re lucky I can handle BS”

“I’m worth it I think”

“Eh, we’ll see about that ;)”

“ok, let me know when you realize it :)”

“Nah, I think I’ll just keep you guessing”

“Spoken like a true woman”

 

its cheesy and kind of ridiculous when I look back at it, but it made me smile and I think its the first time I’ve realized, I’m head over heels for one of my best friends. I don’t quite know where all of this will go. All that I do know is that I haven’t had something to look forward to aside from a break from this disaster of a semester I have called my life. At this point, I’m open to anything that brings some kind of smile to my face or makes me feel anything other than disappointed. 

This is the point where I usually run. I drop off, I hide, get out, move on, sleep with someone else. But I don’t have the desire to do any of those things. Maybe it’s because I think he actually cares. Maybe because he’s my friend and I trust him, I know him, I already know he puts up with my nonsense and doesn’t care that I have crazy friends, because half of them are his too. 

A week ago I was terrified about this whole thing, but now I am hopeful. It still shocks me every time I realize it, that someone might actually care about me in this way. I still think that I am too much of a mess to deserve it. I also think that I’ll end up messing things up and hurt him in the way he said he doesn’t want to be hurt again. I’ve never had someone open up like that to me. There are still so many things about me that he doesn’t know. Maybe he’ll run when he hears them, but then maybe he’ll see, as I have, how alike we are. 

What I like best is, I don’t think this is going to be rushed, no one is going to force it, there’s really no pressure from other people. Kelsey says she knows its all just going to happen, she seems so confident that it’s going to happen, so I’m not really concerned that it wouldn’t. 

I still have my struggles. Those moments when I don’t hear from him I jump to the worst conclusion based on past experiences, but what I’m learning is that the past is just a story, and this is not a part of it. There is something different here. I haven’t figured out what it is. 

Talking is easy, like talking to a friend; we never run out of things to say, the conversation continues throughout the day, most often into the night until one of us falls asleep. But there is that underlying something else. There’s that extra bit of excitement when his name pops up, and sometimes at the dumbest comment I can’t stop smiling as I read it. When we’re together, even in a large group, I can look at friends I’ve known just as long and I look at him like I’ve known him forever. 

It all sounds so pathetic, but I’m just trying to make sense of it all. If you had told me years ago that I would feel this way about him, that all of these things would be happening, I probably wouldn’t believe you. Hell if you said that about anything that happened this semester I wouldn’t believe you, especially since I can’t believe all of these things could happen at the same time. 

I don’t know. I don’t care, i’m done trying. The universe has things planned and set out. Usually when I listen it takes me to the right place, so I’m handing over the reigns. Wish me luck.

Men are from Mars…

…and women are from Venus. Two polar opposite planets far far away in a giant solar system. I didn’t completely understand it – because I tend to relate more to guys than girls on a daily basis – until now. Me and having a whole boy “thing” does not seem to be working out well, and I now remember why I choose to remain single and stick to one night stands and fuck buddies(see what I mean here by me being more of a dude?). I was never one to try and deal with all this “feelings” BS because I think they’re petty and ridiculous. But sometimes the universe likes to toss you for a loop and force you to face the things you never wanted to face. As I’ve stated in previous posts, lately I’ve fallen into a bit of puppy-like (because I refuse to use the other L word). This kid, S, kind of blew in out of no where and it hasn’t exactly gone away. But it also hasn’t gone anywhere else either which is starting to piss me off and confuse the hell out of me. 

Quick run down of how things have gone so far: we met, we had sex, we speak every day, he tells me he misses me during the week, he stays in my bed every weekend (sex or not), he has made attempts to befriend my friends, he constantly hints that I should go and visit him at his house one weekend, hints at doing date like things, then does absolutely nothing about all of it and has suddenly become uber focused on the sex and less and less on the actually relating to each other in a personal matter. 

Now if he is anything like me, which I’m pretty sure he is otherwise I wouldn’t be this attracted to him, he fears commitment more than anything in the world even though it seems completely logical in the way this is going. It’s been a month. That is the longest relationship, official or not, I’ve had since high school, and that was mostly because I didn’t know how to break up with the guy. 

So for now I’m rocking it out in limbo wondering what the hell is going on. I think about him constantly, I want him to ask me to go out, or to do something just the two of us for once, but his little dumb butt won’t do anything about it. The kid just turned down a weekend alone at his house so we could hang out here, with our friends, like we do every weekend. Granted this weekend was probably the worst time for him to have an empty house. Its our first football weekend, dozens of our friends we never see are coming to visit, and we’ve kind of been looking forward to this for a while. But one night out of a whole weekend? Maybe I’m being needy and looking too far into it. But I’ve noticed other things leaning in an odd direction. 

Things had been going so well. We started talking more: lunch break quick convos to see how the day was going, or before work texts to say good morning, and other stupid nonsense. Then all of a sudden it stopped. Literally, I had a freak out that he just decided to no longer talk to me because I went from hearing from him at 8am to not hearing from him until 10pm. The conversations were centered around mostly sex, or sexual jokes, which is fine I guess, we’ve always talked and joked about it, but not this much. But right after he decided he’d rather come up here to hang with his bros then spend one damn night just the two of us, he decided to ask for pictures. He’s never asked for them before and I’ve never sent them just willy nilly, and after I said no, he just stopped answering. Oh, okay, cool… NOT. 

One of my greatest fears when dealing with the opposite sex in this kind of context is that I have never had a relationship that was not based solely around sex. I’m good at it. I like it. It comes easier than just about anything else relationship wise other than my fabulous flirtation skills, but for once I thought this just might be something more. I thought someone might actually like me for the person I’ve worked so hard to become and not just a piece of ass. That was my greatest fear going in to all of this. Especially considering how we met. But in so many ways he had hinted that that wasn’t the case. He even called me out the one time that I said something that could be taken as I’m concerned that this is what we have. He told me anything I’m worried about I shouldn’t be. Just like that. So I stupidly trusted him. 

A week before I met S, I swore off men, and maybe I should have stuck to my guns. Maybe I’m just the kind of person who is supposed to be alone. I don’t do well with other people. I do well being on my own, which is odd because it used to be that me on my own was like setting off a ticking time bomb. Have I become so independent that there is just no way of letting anyone in anymore? 

Or maybe I’m just becoming one of those crazy bitches that over analyzes every situation until she goes crazy and drives everyone around her crazy in the process. A.k.a I’m becoming every girl I’ve ever hated or swore I would never be. 

It’s like I no longer have control of my rational thought when it comes to him – holy mother I sound dumb and desperate. But I swear I’m not. Honestly, if things ended badly, I’d be okay. I might be mad for a little while, but I’d go back to living my life how I have for the last 2 years since my last relationship blew up.

But I actually wanted this to work. Slow and steady yes, but I did. I don’t need him to ask me to be his girlfriend or ask me on a date or anything, but I would like to know if he’s just like every other guy that has crossed my path and seen me as an object, or if there is the potential that maybe, just maybe, for once I found something different without even trying. 

Do I sound crazy? Should I say something? Do something? Kick him in the balls until he makes a decision? I’m at a loss here. This is undiscovered territory I’m walking and it is stressing me out to no end. Mostly because it came at THE WORST possible time of the semester other than midterms and finals. So maybe just the added stress is making me over react and I’m not becoming a dumb girl, just a stressed one. I don’t know, I don’t even know if I care anymore. No, I do care otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this. Any advise from the beautiful blogosphere? Because I could use some. And a cup of coffee. And some chocolate.