It’s okay to show weakness

Sometimes, I get so set in being the “strong” one, that I forget its okay to be weak. I have a hard time showing weakness around others, but it gets to the point sometimes where I break down. I have a panic attack for a good 10 minutes, and then I’m ready to move on. Fake it for another day. I’m good at faking it to get by. I did it for a number of years in high school, so whenever I need to do it now, it comes automatically. I don’t even recognize “bad days” anymore. Being sad is a fleeting feeling. It lasts for a moment, and then its on to doing something else. 

In some cases its a good thing. It helps me keep my head on straight at work and lets me work well under pressure. 

The thing about sadness though is that it builds. Sadness is not a fleeting feeling. It hides in the darkest parts of yourself, until it runs out of places to hide. Then it rears its ugly head, and there is nothing you can do to stop it. 

There is a balance between strength and weakness. It is a fine line that we walk from day to day, sometimes its so thin that strength and weakness become one in the same. It is a war we fight within our selves throughout our entire lives. In an instant, we can go from having the times of our lives, to feeling like the world is at its end. 

It happened last night. One minute I was having a blast with friends, and the next I just couldn’t keep it together. I ran off into a bathroom, curled up on the floor and cried my eyes out – PS. crying during allergy season is the worst! 

And of course it was over a stupid boy. I hate crying over boys. I’m quite frankly very done with it. With them as a species in general as well.

For the first time since Nick ended things, I had time to think on everything. I found some of his stuff under my bed, but I threw a blanket over it and moved on. Then Blake came up for the usual Friday night, and I got to be the wonderful 3rd wheel I’ve come accustomed to being. We went to a movie at a theater, then were just staying in for the night and watching more movies. This overwhelming feeling of missing Nick just kind of washed over me. It just felt like he was supposed to be there, and he wasn’t. I didn’t want to look like an idiot whining over a break-up of a relationship that was never really a relationship, so I sucked it up and made it through the night. 

Then Saturday night, a few friends came in to town. One has a habit of hitting on me frequently. We kissed once and he’s been hooked since. So he tried, as usual; being an officially single man only making him put in all the more effort. For the first time ever, I couldn’t handle being hit on. All I wanted to do was run. (Odd, because the weekend after the breakup I was totally fine hooking up with my friend that was in town… oops. But I think that was more out of anger than anything else.) To make things worse, of the two guys that hit on me that night, both of them didn’t seem all that upset with me not flirting back. They moved right on to the next girl and both of them ended up kissing and/or going home with other girls. I hated that I was back to being treated like an object, a pawn in the game of sex. On top of that, one of our visiting friends wouldn’t stop asking if I was okay even after I said I was fine and didn’t feel like talking. Then my roommate kept asking if I was okay, if I wanted to just go home. 

I didn’t want to go home. I was determined to go out and have a normal college night. I got a little nasty and snapped at her, I’ve never snapped at her before. I didn’t like it.

Then as we were walking someplace else, one of the guys that had hit on me and I had witnessed making out with another girl decided to try and hit on me again. Then he brought up Nick. And then I lost it. I made it in to the sushi place just fine, but then people kept asking if I was okay, and I couldn’t keep up the charade. 

The fact was, I was not okay. I was not okay at all. 24 hours, 10 episodes of FRIENDS and a quart of ice cream later I still don’t think I am. I get so focused on all other things that I tend to forget that sometimes, I’m not okay. Plowing through life and filling up your schedule so you don’t have to face the bad stuff isn’t a solution. Saying “I’m fine” does nothing. It plays in to all of the lies you tell yourself to make it through the day. You’re allowed to say, “I’m not fine, but I don’t want to talk about it; I promise I will be okay though.” Because you will be okay. You’ve gotten through ever single day of your life up until right now, and you’ll continue to do it for as long as this universe will allow you to live. You don’t always need to be “fine”. What you do need is the will to keep working and moving forward. Remember that you’re not alone in your pain, everyone suffers; some are just better at covering it up than others. 

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DONE! FIN! COMPLETED!

This semester has been a doozy, and if you’ve been following any of my posts, you only know the half of it. Crazy roommate syndrome, demons, idiots, boys, all on top of a crazy course load. There are few things that could have made it any worse.

But this isn’t about those negatives, because I seriously need to stop focusing on that part. This is my 50th post and it is a time for celebrating. This post is about all of the things that helped me through, the things that kept me sane, the reason I didn’t drop out of school halfway through this semester and go home forever.

1. My Sane Roommate: through all of this, we have gotten so much closer, and quite frankly, she is the greatest friend I could have ever hoped to encounter in college. She keeps me grounded, she’s made me – at least seem – that much more intelligent because she’s just so damn smart. Best of all, she showed me what it is like to be stood up for on the fiercest of levels. She is a quiet person, but she showed how strong she was in so many ways this semester, and I am proud of her for that.

2. My Friends: that have stuck by my side despite the drama I seem to bring into their lives, and the fact that I have been a complete hermit all semester. In the last few days when I was so done I said screw it and decided to be social, it was as if no time had past at all, and everything was as it always had been. After everything with losing people in my life this semester, it was good to know there were people that still cared.

3. My 3.0 GPA: I don’t have a clue how I pulled this one off considering I thought I was going to have a 2.0 this semester. A few good final grades, some added participation, and some small miracle got me to keep my scholarship and decent GPA.

4. The necessities: a roof over my head, shoes on my feet, and the ability to somehow make my electric bill every month. Living on your own makes you think a lot more about appreciating all the things you have.

5. Skating: for passing my tests, my incredible coach, my escape and my stress reliever.

I hope that next semester is far better than this past one, and that all these positives stay positive. Wish me luck xoxo

General Education Classes

I am so sorry I have disappeared off the face of the internet my followers. This semester has been the worst yet. I am in all general education classes, all of which have absolutely nothing to do with my major, or what I want to do with my life – which is still up in the air by the way, I just know it has nothing to do with Microbiology, Physics, Politics or Human Geography. Yeah, those are the classes I am currently enrolled in. Why do I do this to myself? For the same reason I had to turn in a paper, do a presentation, and take one planned quiz, one pop quiz and one exam today. The school made me do it. I would never voluntarily subject myself to this nonsense. General education classes are a part of my wonderful university’s Liberal Arts Plan. A fancy way of saying, we want to force you to be here for 5 years so you can squish everything in and suck you dry of all your money and your sanity to boot. 

No one actually cares about these classes, we’re forced to take them. It’s not like they are interesting either, they tend to be about the most boring of all available topics, and every one is planned out the exact same way – hence why all of your work is usually due on the exact same day. And don’t even pretend that teachers don’t know about these little facts. They are 100% aware, and they give just as few fucks as the students do. Professors are forced to teach these useless classes which tend to come last on their list of priorities as well. They really only care about their higher level courses with students that are invested in the course work. 

The result? Horrible classes in which you take nothing away from with teachers that don’t teach content that you will never understand and your gpa drops through the floor, setting you off pace from ever getting a decent job because all they will ever see is your crappy, mediocre gpa because of that class that no one cares about that your university forced you to take.

Most people take these courses scattered through their major courses, or knock them all out while they’re freshman. But then you have the wonderful people like me who got put in a major that starts you out in major specific courses, then stupidly drops that major and must take these dreadful classes in their upperclassman years in the single free, non-major related semester you are given. 

Yes people, I’m a little bitter. But I’m not the only one out there going through this – at least I sure hope not. Anyone else have as bad a taste in their mouth about general ed classes as I do?