How I do relationships: from my best friend

“Because your conversations are totally awkwardly loaded with the desire to suck face, but like in a shrugggg casual, ‘I guess that would be rather nice’ way.”

 

Sadly, yeah, thats how Nick and I’s relationship is at the moment. We tip toe around all of those subjects. Its mostly just making fun of each other 24/7, then random pause of awkward, this should be going somewhere, then straight back to making fun of each other. It’s quite perfect actually because neither of us do well with that sappy shit, nor can we tolerate it for extended periods of time. 

All I know for sure right now is that last night I brought up my much needed peaceful winter break in my apartment and somehow it got to my friend’s boyfriend that there was double date scheming going on, which obviously got back to me because it is a large circle of people telling people everything. Well thats a lie, it’s a very small circle. And word travels obnoxiously fast. 

But yeah, figured I’d share that little comment because it made me laugh because it’s extremely true. 

Anything can happen…

I clearly haven’t had the greatest history when it comes to relationships. I’m really, really bad at them. But I’ve come to think that maybe I’ve just been looking in the wrong places, or my standards are too high and I won’t settle for a mediocre relationship. Maybe I just know what I want more than others, and I just haven’t found it yet. 

It’s that last one I’m starting to believe in because I think i found something that might finally work. Its a maybe, a serious maybe, and I have no idea where it will go from here, but dear god I hope it works. I’m terrified it won’t because if it doesn’t, I lose a friend too, and I’m not in a place where I need that right now. I’ve lost enough of those this semester alone. But maybe because it stems from friendship, it will be okay.

I like him. I think I may have liked him for a long time, but I didn’t notice until people started pointing it out. I don’t think he realized it either until this past Friday. 

It had been a shit night. Things kept going wrong, and it just summed up all of the shittiness of this whole semester into one night. We got home and things only got worse. As the night went on I felt like I was losing more and more people from my life. I went into my room with Nick to get more blankets and the two of our other friends that were staying with us that night were bickering mercilessly in the livingroom. I offered to let Nick stay in my room because I knew he had to work the next day, and it wouldn’t be the first time we had shared a bed – we stole our friend’s bed while we were staying at his house one night while he slept on his couch in a failed attempt to get with some girl. We started talking as we usually do, and the conversation continued. We laughed, a lot. We talked about our pasts and I realized just how similar we were. It was not a new realization, but it hit me differently. I don’t know how, but we started getting closer and closer in the bed, and suddenly our heads were on the same pillow. Then his arm was wrapped around me, then my leg was wrapped around him. Then we heard the yelling in my living room grow louder. Then the yelling was accompanied by the sound of crashing. So we got up to end the fight where luckily nothing was broken, but things were knocked over. Then we all went back to bed. I was throughly annoyed because I was so sick of the amount of fighting that had gone on in my apartment this semester. I don’t do well with fighting and I don’t do well with conflict. I knew I was on the verge of my fourth meltdown that week – things had been falling further and further down hill and every time I thought I hit rock bottom, the hole kept getting deeper. 

We crawled back into bed and Nick wrapped his arms around me. It was different because he’s not exactly the touchy-feely type. He’s more of a Sheldon there there pat on the shoulder and hand you a cold beer (not that thats ever happened between us at all…). He held me tight, and let me burrow into his chest. I’ve never been held that way before. Not even by my ex, because with him, he was trying, but I didn’t care for him enough to be comfortable there. He let me bitch about how awful this semester had been. How I was so done watching everything fall apart and I couldn’t wait for it to be over. He somehow got us off the topic and had me laughing in no time in the way he tends to do. 

I couldn’t tell you anything we actually talked about. But I do remember that somehow, our faces ended up cheek to cheek, then nose to nose, and then we kissed. Tentative at first. I cannot speak for him, but I was petrified. I began yelling at myself because me kissing anyone in bed often led to certain things, and I knew that this could never go that way. It would not end well. Not now. But I didn’t have to worry. It was that first kiss I should have had long ago. It was that first kiss that I should have had as my first. It was sweet. It was respectful. I wasn’t hungrily attacked, I wasn’t groped, I wasn’t forced. It was a we both want this but we are unsure of how the other felt. It ended in being held close, in breathing each other in, in realizing what we had just done, and that it was no where near over. 

We talked some more, kissed some more, cuddled some more. Nick traced my skin, sending shivers all over. I was so used to just being groped and forced, and used. This was so different. 

I think we slept for a few minutes, then woke again to talk for a few moments, then we kissed again. This time a little more… well, steamy. I got nervous as things sped up. All I thought was, my god he’s going to try and have sex with me. Who could blame me with my track record for thinking so. My heart was racing, and I realized I didn’t want that. Not now, it would make things so awkward. It would be summed up to me just getting used again. And right as I thought I was nearing heart attack, he stopped. He pulled back and looked me straight in the eyes. For anyone who has ever slept with someone who couldn’t give less of a damn about you and just wanted to sleep with you, you know eye contact isn’t exactly a big concern. So as he looked down at me, his eyes free of hunger, I realized, this wasn’t the case. This was so much more than an easy lay. Yes I am still tentative about how either of us feels, but I keep proving it wrong. 

We are so similar it scares me some times, but it makes this whole thing make perfect sense. I want this to work, so badly. But I have also never been so scared to mess it up. Because I probably will. I always find a way to. I get scared and I run, or I say something stupid, or he realizes how dumb I actually am and I can’t keep up with all that he knows. He’s smart. He’s a bum 90% of the time, but he also went through a lot, and I know what it’s like to be where he is. I don’t want to fix him, because you can’t fix anyone. But I want to be there for him. I want to do whatever I can to remind him that all that he thinks about himself is wrong. I also need him as my friend, as the friend that he has been to me in the past. I need his attitude to remind me to stop caring so much sometimes. I’ve also learned though that behind closed doors, he cares a lot more than he says he does. 

I have no idea where any of this will go. I will only see him once within the next month, so thats just great timing on our part. I guess we’ll get to see how long distance would work sooner rather than later. Hopefully the distance will mean it is harder for me to mess things up. Maybe it will be even easier considering I have just about no filter on what I say (have you read any of my posts?). 

I don’t know how serious to take it, I don’t know how much I should talk about it because I don’t want to tell people that its nothing. But maybe it is. And maybe it isn’t. My god it happened two damn days ago. But I have a feeling it’s been a lot longer and we just haven’t realized it yet. 

All in all, I just hope it works out peacefully. I cannot handle more disaster. There is already too much disaster in my life. I guess we shall see then. 

Wish me luck!

Best Days of Our Lives

Have you ever sat in a room full of people and suddenly realized, it doesn’t get better than this? You’re not doing anything that to an outside would seem all that exciting, but you wouldn’t want to be anywhere else? 

This semester has been rough, especially by means of keeping friends. We’re all going through so much and so many things are changing, including our relationships with each other. People you thought you knew are suddenly your enemy. People you never new before are some of the most important people in your life, and without notice, everything has changed. 

It’s happened recently, as in right now as I’m writing this. Weird right. Writing a post about how much you love your friends, while you’re supposed to be socializing with them. But thats the thing. I have the kind of friends that just being together is enough. Kels and B are my favorite couple on the whole planet. They’re that one couple that you can always be with and never feel like a third wheel. They have the kind of relationship I aspire to have some day; based on friendship, trust, and loyalty. 

Mr. Perfect

I’m that girl that’s been single since high school. 4 years dateless and boyfriendless. Pathetic right? Quite frankly, I don’t think so. Its not that I haven’t had the option, I’m just not about hanging with someone I know can’t keep up with me. That sounds totally and completely cocky, but it’s not. When I say “keep up” I mean keep up with my mood swings, my fast pace of everyday life, and my inability to just sit down for more than 5 seconds like a normal person. I need someone who can make me laugh, but also hold an intelligent conversation. I need someone who will be my rock, stand up for me when I need it, give me a good kick in my ass when I’m being ridiculous, but also just hug it out when I go in to my ten minute mental break downs. It’s a lot to ask for, but I won’t settle for anything less. 

It just sucks now when I’m in an apartment with three other girls that all have boyfriends. I’m normally fine with it, but as of late, its been getting harder. We’re all going through a bit of a tough time here. Everyones lives, including my own, are a bit of a hot mess, and instead of getting closer, I think we’re drifting apart. Everyone retreats to their boyfriend, and then there’s me, just chilling in the background. I dislike it. I dislike it a lot. It’s to the point where I’m feeling less pathetic and more just flat out lonely. No matter where I look or don’t look, it just seems like I’m going to be single forever. My own family barely tolerates me anymore. My parents are getting less and less supportive. No matter what clubs or businesses I go through, nothing ever gets any easier. 

General Education Classes

I am so sorry I have disappeared off the face of the internet my followers. This semester has been the worst yet. I am in all general education classes, all of which have absolutely nothing to do with my major, or what I want to do with my life – which is still up in the air by the way, I just know it has nothing to do with Microbiology, Physics, Politics or Human Geography. Yeah, those are the classes I am currently enrolled in. Why do I do this to myself? For the same reason I had to turn in a paper, do a presentation, and take one planned quiz, one pop quiz and one exam today. The school made me do it. I would never voluntarily subject myself to this nonsense. General education classes are a part of my wonderful university’s Liberal Arts Plan. A fancy way of saying, we want to force you to be here for 5 years so you can squish everything in and suck you dry of all your money and your sanity to boot. 

No one actually cares about these classes, we’re forced to take them. It’s not like they are interesting either, they tend to be about the most boring of all available topics, and every one is planned out the exact same way – hence why all of your work is usually due on the exact same day. And don’t even pretend that teachers don’t know about these little facts. They are 100% aware, and they give just as few fucks as the students do. Professors are forced to teach these useless classes which tend to come last on their list of priorities as well. They really only care about their higher level courses with students that are invested in the course work. 

The result? Horrible classes in which you take nothing away from with teachers that don’t teach content that you will never understand and your gpa drops through the floor, setting you off pace from ever getting a decent job because all they will ever see is your crappy, mediocre gpa because of that class that no one cares about that your university forced you to take.

Most people take these courses scattered through their major courses, or knock them all out while they’re freshman. But then you have the wonderful people like me who got put in a major that starts you out in major specific courses, then stupidly drops that major and must take these dreadful classes in their upperclassman years in the single free, non-major related semester you are given. 

Yes people, I’m a little bitter. But I’m not the only one out there going through this – at least I sure hope not. Anyone else have as bad a taste in their mouth about general ed classes as I do?