I clearly haven’t had the greatest history when it comes to relationships. I’m really, really bad at them. But I’ve come to think that maybe I’ve just been looking in the wrong places, or my standards are too high and I won’t settle for a mediocre relationship. Maybe I just know what I want more than others, and I just haven’t found it yet.
It’s that last one I’m starting to believe in because I think i found something that might finally work. Its a maybe, a serious maybe, and I have no idea where it will go from here, but dear god I hope it works. I’m terrified it won’t because if it doesn’t, I lose a friend too, and I’m not in a place where I need that right now. I’ve lost enough of those this semester alone. But maybe because it stems from friendship, it will be okay.
I like him. I think I may have liked him for a long time, but I didn’t notice until people started pointing it out. I don’t think he realized it either until this past Friday.
It had been a shit night. Things kept going wrong, and it just summed up all of the shittiness of this whole semester into one night. We got home and things only got worse. As the night went on I felt like I was losing more and more people from my life. I went into my room with Nick to get more blankets and the two of our other friends that were staying with us that night were bickering mercilessly in the livingroom. I offered to let Nick stay in my room because I knew he had to work the next day, and it wouldn’t be the first time we had shared a bed – we stole our friend’s bed while we were staying at his house one night while he slept on his couch in a failed attempt to get with some girl. We started talking as we usually do, and the conversation continued. We laughed, a lot. We talked about our pasts and I realized just how similar we were. It was not a new realization, but it hit me differently. I don’t know how, but we started getting closer and closer in the bed, and suddenly our heads were on the same pillow. Then his arm was wrapped around me, then my leg was wrapped around him. Then we heard the yelling in my living room grow louder. Then the yelling was accompanied by the sound of crashing. So we got up to end the fight where luckily nothing was broken, but things were knocked over. Then we all went back to bed. I was throughly annoyed because I was so sick of the amount of fighting that had gone on in my apartment this semester. I don’t do well with fighting and I don’t do well with conflict. I knew I was on the verge of my fourth meltdown that week – things had been falling further and further down hill and every time I thought I hit rock bottom, the hole kept getting deeper.
We crawled back into bed and Nick wrapped his arms around me. It was different because he’s not exactly the touchy-feely type. He’s more of a Sheldon there there pat on the shoulder and hand you a cold beer (not that thats ever happened between us at all…). He held me tight, and let me burrow into his chest. I’ve never been held that way before. Not even by my ex, because with him, he was trying, but I didn’t care for him enough to be comfortable there. He let me bitch about how awful this semester had been. How I was so done watching everything fall apart and I couldn’t wait for it to be over. He somehow got us off the topic and had me laughing in no time in the way he tends to do.
I couldn’t tell you anything we actually talked about. But I do remember that somehow, our faces ended up cheek to cheek, then nose to nose, and then we kissed. Tentative at first. I cannot speak for him, but I was petrified. I began yelling at myself because me kissing anyone in bed often led to certain things, and I knew that this could never go that way. It would not end well. Not now. But I didn’t have to worry. It was that first kiss I should have had long ago. It was that first kiss that I should have had as my first. It was sweet. It was respectful. I wasn’t hungrily attacked, I wasn’t groped, I wasn’t forced. It was a we both want this but we are unsure of how the other felt. It ended in being held close, in breathing each other in, in realizing what we had just done, and that it was no where near over.
We talked some more, kissed some more, cuddled some more. Nick traced my skin, sending shivers all over. I was so used to just being groped and forced, and used. This was so different.
I think we slept for a few minutes, then woke again to talk for a few moments, then we kissed again. This time a little more… well, steamy. I got nervous as things sped up. All I thought was, my god he’s going to try and have sex with me. Who could blame me with my track record for thinking so. My heart was racing, and I realized I didn’t want that. Not now, it would make things so awkward. It would be summed up to me just getting used again. And right as I thought I was nearing heart attack, he stopped. He pulled back and looked me straight in the eyes. For anyone who has ever slept with someone who couldn’t give less of a damn about you and just wanted to sleep with you, you know eye contact isn’t exactly a big concern. So as he looked down at me, his eyes free of hunger, I realized, this wasn’t the case. This was so much more than an easy lay. Yes I am still tentative about how either of us feels, but I keep proving it wrong.
We are so similar it scares me some times, but it makes this whole thing make perfect sense. I want this to work, so badly. But I have also never been so scared to mess it up. Because I probably will. I always find a way to. I get scared and I run, or I say something stupid, or he realizes how dumb I actually am and I can’t keep up with all that he knows. He’s smart. He’s a bum 90% of the time, but he also went through a lot, and I know what it’s like to be where he is. I don’t want to fix him, because you can’t fix anyone. But I want to be there for him. I want to do whatever I can to remind him that all that he thinks about himself is wrong. I also need him as my friend, as the friend that he has been to me in the past. I need his attitude to remind me to stop caring so much sometimes. I’ve also learned though that behind closed doors, he cares a lot more than he says he does.
I have no idea where any of this will go. I will only see him once within the next month, so thats just great timing on our part. I guess we’ll get to see how long distance would work sooner rather than later. Hopefully the distance will mean it is harder for me to mess things up. Maybe it will be even easier considering I have just about no filter on what I say (have you read any of my posts?).
I don’t know how serious to take it, I don’t know how much I should talk about it because I don’t want to tell people that its nothing. But maybe it is. And maybe it isn’t. My god it happened two damn days ago. But I have a feeling it’s been a lot longer and we just haven’t realized it yet.
All in all, I just hope it works out peacefully. I cannot handle more disaster. There is already too much disaster in my life. I guess we shall see then.
Wish me luck!