To Know a Person

I’m odd in that I believe in most things people think are crazy. I believe in: fate, how everything happens for a reason, how everyone we ever meet was somehow meant to cross our paths for whatever reason it may be, and I believe in past lives. That last one seems a bit out further off then some of the others, but you’ll understand why in a second. 

Think on this: have you ever met someone at some time that you have felt instantly comfortable with? I don’t mean you two can hold a conversation and you have a ton in common so you easily get along. I mean you feel comfortable. Like you can compare the feeling of being with them to one of being with someone you’ve known your whole life. Comfort for me is being able to sit in the same room, alone, with nothing but silence and not feel any ounce of awkwardness. How being together just feels normal even if you only met a short time ago. It is not always the notion of having something to say, but just knowing the person is there. It makes no sense for you to feel this comfortable, but you do. 

This is where my past lives theory comes in. 

Maybe we’ve already met these people. Maybe we needed to cross each others paths again because we had unresolved business we needed to finish. And maybe we won’t get it right in this lifetime, but we can be at peace with the fact that we still have time to try and get there and end the story the right way this time. Or maybe we’ll have to wait for another lifetime.

Wrong place, wrong time

So this past weekend things with S and I kind of ended. Not completely, and not in a bad way, but we’re just friends now. He wasn’t looking for a relationship, he didn’t know what he wanted. Quite frankly neither did I. But I’m glad I confronted him when I did, because who knows how long the both of us would have just floated through doing whatever we were doing. I stood up, I used my voice, and I realized that I don’t have to live in limbo. You’re allowed to ask for answers, even if you don’t like the answer.

You kind of forget how messed up other people are by their pasts, and even if you’ve gotten over yours, not everyone has gotten over theirs. S’s hard times are a little more recent than mine. I’ve had my time to grow and be all I’ve wanted to be for myself. S hasn’t. And I want that for him, because I do care about him even as a friend. We became close over the month that we’ve known each other. Talking every night until we fell asleep. Spending all of our weekends together.

I’ve always said you get to know someone best during your college years because you’re all in such close quarters that you kind of have no choice. But it also opens your mind, reminds you that everyone has a story. Everyone has more than the smile you see on their face as you pass on the street. You don’t know just what someone is going through until you live with them. And for a while thats basically what we were doing.

I’ve always been one to let the universe figure out the big things for me. I can sweat the small stuff, but when it comes to the path I’m supposed to be walking, the universe has always had a way of bringing me right where I needed to be. That sounds cliche, but when I think about everything I have that has made me the happiest in life, those things have kind of just appeared without me ever really trying. So I’m letting the universe take the wheel and figure things out for a bit. And maybe some day at the right place in the right time, it will all work out. Until then? Que sera sera. It is what it is.

Men are from Mars…

…and women are from Venus. Two polar opposite planets far far away in a giant solar system. I didn’t completely understand it – because I tend to relate more to guys than girls on a daily basis – until now. Me and having a whole boy “thing” does not seem to be working out well, and I now remember why I choose to remain single and stick to one night stands and fuck buddies(see what I mean here by me being more of a dude?). I was never one to try and deal with all this “feelings” BS because I think they’re petty and ridiculous. But sometimes the universe likes to toss you for a loop and force you to face the things you never wanted to face. As I’ve stated in previous posts, lately I’ve fallen into a bit of puppy-like (because I refuse to use the other L word). This kid, S, kind of blew in out of no where and it hasn’t exactly gone away. But it also hasn’t gone anywhere else either which is starting to piss me off and confuse the hell out of me. 

Quick run down of how things have gone so far: we met, we had sex, we speak every day, he tells me he misses me during the week, he stays in my bed every weekend (sex or not), he has made attempts to befriend my friends, he constantly hints that I should go and visit him at his house one weekend, hints at doing date like things, then does absolutely nothing about all of it and has suddenly become uber focused on the sex and less and less on the actually relating to each other in a personal matter. 

Now if he is anything like me, which I’m pretty sure he is otherwise I wouldn’t be this attracted to him, he fears commitment more than anything in the world even though it seems completely logical in the way this is going. It’s been a month. That is the longest relationship, official or not, I’ve had since high school, and that was mostly because I didn’t know how to break up with the guy. 

So for now I’m rocking it out in limbo wondering what the hell is going on. I think about him constantly, I want him to ask me to go out, or to do something just the two of us for once, but his little dumb butt won’t do anything about it. The kid just turned down a weekend alone at his house so we could hang out here, with our friends, like we do every weekend. Granted this weekend was probably the worst time for him to have an empty house. Its our first football weekend, dozens of our friends we never see are coming to visit, and we’ve kind of been looking forward to this for a while. But one night out of a whole weekend? Maybe I’m being needy and looking too far into it. But I’ve noticed other things leaning in an odd direction. 

Things had been going so well. We started talking more: lunch break quick convos to see how the day was going, or before work texts to say good morning, and other stupid nonsense. Then all of a sudden it stopped. Literally, I had a freak out that he just decided to no longer talk to me because I went from hearing from him at 8am to not hearing from him until 10pm. The conversations were centered around mostly sex, or sexual jokes, which is fine I guess, we’ve always talked and joked about it, but not this much. But right after he decided he’d rather come up here to hang with his bros then spend one damn night just the two of us, he decided to ask for pictures. He’s never asked for them before and I’ve never sent them just willy nilly, and after I said no, he just stopped answering. Oh, okay, cool… NOT. 

One of my greatest fears when dealing with the opposite sex in this kind of context is that I have never had a relationship that was not based solely around sex. I’m good at it. I like it. It comes easier than just about anything else relationship wise other than my fabulous flirtation skills, but for once I thought this just might be something more. I thought someone might actually like me for the person I’ve worked so hard to become and not just a piece of ass. That was my greatest fear going in to all of this. Especially considering how we met. But in so many ways he had hinted that that wasn’t the case. He even called me out the one time that I said something that could be taken as I’m concerned that this is what we have. He told me anything I’m worried about I shouldn’t be. Just like that. So I stupidly trusted him. 

A week before I met S, I swore off men, and maybe I should have stuck to my guns. Maybe I’m just the kind of person who is supposed to be alone. I don’t do well with other people. I do well being on my own, which is odd because it used to be that me on my own was like setting off a ticking time bomb. Have I become so independent that there is just no way of letting anyone in anymore? 

Or maybe I’m just becoming one of those crazy bitches that over analyzes every situation until she goes crazy and drives everyone around her crazy in the process. A.k.a I’m becoming every girl I’ve ever hated or swore I would never be. 

It’s like I no longer have control of my rational thought when it comes to him – holy mother I sound dumb and desperate. But I swear I’m not. Honestly, if things ended badly, I’d be okay. I might be mad for a little while, but I’d go back to living my life how I have for the last 2 years since my last relationship blew up.

But I actually wanted this to work. Slow and steady yes, but I did. I don’t need him to ask me to be his girlfriend or ask me on a date or anything, but I would like to know if he’s just like every other guy that has crossed my path and seen me as an object, or if there is the potential that maybe, just maybe, for once I found something different without even trying. 

Do I sound crazy? Should I say something? Do something? Kick him in the balls until he makes a decision? I’m at a loss here. This is undiscovered territory I’m walking and it is stressing me out to no end. Mostly because it came at THE WORST possible time of the semester other than midterms and finals. So maybe just the added stress is making me over react and I’m not becoming a dumb girl, just a stressed one. I don’t know, I don’t even know if I care anymore. No, I do care otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this. Any advise from the beautiful blogosphere? Because I could use some. And a cup of coffee. And some chocolate. 

Fearing History

They say history often repeats itself. Well, thats true. The world is so old now that we’ve kind of done most things already. Fashion for example, constantly refreshes itself: mom jeans from the 90’s are now considered high fashion. But it doesn’t take hundreds of years for history to repeat itself. In fact, it can take as little as half a decade. 

5 years ago I met the first Nick in a slew of Nicks that would plague my life – I now run in the opposite direction from every Nick that I meet. I was a youngin’ in high school, and I had never had any kind of relationship before. Well, real relationship. Like a step above holding hands in a hallway at school for a week and calling that a relationship. This kid lived over 45 minutes from my house, and neither of us had cars. We met through a mutual friend, and saw each other on occasion at the rink we both skated at. His twin brother had showed some interest in my friend who in turn like him, but she wasn’t allowed to go on a date on her own, so I was a good friend and doubled with her. Well, it turned out that Nick and I started talking a couple days leading up to the movie double date, and we continued talking after. Every day. For months. If it hadn’t been for the one meeting, I could have been 100% Catfished. But I liked him. We had good conversation. He said nice things. He was a good kid, and I had nothing else to compare it to. It finally came to the time where I had my license and I was trying to think of ways that we could maybe see each other over the summer, when things ended. I say they ended because they ended. The conversation ended, the texts stopped. Everything disappeared just like that. One day we were talking like we always had, and then nothing. Silence. 

So now, with my new boy who lives even further away but we happen to be adults and have cars. We see each other every weekend, we talk every day. So you can imagine that when the conversation suddenly changed, I may have started up some good old insecurities. That petrifying fear that getting hurt again is possible, even with a person you thought actually cared about you, and told you. From one day being told “I miss you” and getting lunch break texts just to see how your day is going, to not hearing a single word. Nothing but silence. Granted it has been 24 hours and last time we talked he wasn’t in the greatest of moods because of work issues. But still. It’s off. Really off. And if he’s feeling bad and I’m someone he’s told makes him happy, why wouldn’t he want to talk to me? I sound like an obnoxious crazed girlfriend even though I’m not. I’m just a logical person that when there are norms they usually stay norms. The world doesn’t change that drastically. 

Well, thats a lie. I should remember differently especially considering what day it is. 

Maybe it is the day. Maybe this day is just unlucky, and this is a day for turmoil. 

Now I sound like a depressed girl with a ton of built up teen angst. WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME! Normally, I try to give advice here. But beautiful readers, I could use a little pick me up, a little hope that this isn’t going to happen again because I will literally swear off all men forever – again.

Puppy Love

First off, I just want to put out there that I’m into my twenty-something-th post (its a word, well now it is). So way to go me for actually accomplishing something in my life!

Now on to the real topic for today. To the very small fan base I have out there, based on my previous posts, you must know by now that I’m not exactly the lovey dovey type, at all. I’m a realist plain and simple. But to what should be your amazement, in the course of 3 days, I have turned into a pile of mushiness. I know, I understand your gasps because quite frankly I feel the exact same way. I’m the epitome of every girl I have ever dissed on this blog, so here’s to some new insight on the subject of feelings for the opposite sex.

This was my first weekend back at school since May, classes started up today so of course the second we were all reunited we were out and ready to go rage. I had finally kicked my dad out of the apartment and the celebration commenced. My roommate Kels, her boyfriend, his friend and I were sitting around our new kitchen table talking when we decided it was time to start getting dressed. I retreated in to my room and changed into an outfit I’ve been dying to wear. I walked out to get some approval on my outfit choice and thats when it happened. Sam looked at me, his jaw physically dropped, and he mouthed the word “wow” before looking away. Thats not a reaction you get every day ladies.

For the rest of the night, things started to get a little hot and steamy, and let’s just say I’m not one to hold back on a first date – or meeting in this case.

Since that night we have talked every day, increasingly over the past week or so. Sam lives an hour plus away (he was just visiting the first weekend) and has visited every weekend. I’m that dumb girl that checks her phone ever five minutes for a text and sends “I miss your face” Snapchats and all those things that make me want to hurl. Puppy love is a thing. And when it’s paired with some fireworks, it’s hard to stop thinking about.