I lookup “happy pencil” to put on a worksheet for my students and this guy comes up. Not too much happy about it, but man is he good!
So today the “other” returns. I’m not looking forward to it. I’ll miss the peace. A lot actually.
Yesterday I told my mom about Nick. It’s kind of good timing because I think we’re both pretty serious about us.
For one, she took it well. I think she was at the point where she was getting worried I’d be single forever. I’m second in line for next to be married on both sides of my family, so that’s cool I guess… No pressure. My mom has literally asked me if I was a lesbian before because I have only had one boyfriend in my 20 years of living. Unfortunately that one boy kind of messed me up for all the other boys that entered my life for a while, but I think I finally got over it all. I don’t know what it was, but last weekend, I think I realized just how different he is.
He bought dinner. We were out, the four of us and I thought it was just as friends. But I guess since he asked me out, that prompts him purchasing food for me – something I’m quite okay with. The last time a guy paid for my meal, I was still in high school. So that was really friggin nice.
Then this weekend, he had the option of staying home with Kelsey’s boyfriend and going out with his friends, and coming out to see me, he picked me. I think he was in a really good mood because he got his own apartment. He was so friggin happy about it. I know he loves his mom, but I think being around his dad really brings him down. For a while I could tell he was kind of slipping. Talking more about needing to get out and what not. I understand. If I had any opportunity to permanently not live at my own house, I would. Hence why I came back after Christmas to my lovely, peaceful apartment – the fact that Nick was here was just a nice bonus.
But things got interesting with that apartment talk. Like, the idea of us living together at some point, or even just for weekends really doesn’t seem all that bad. He has no roommates so that is an incredibly wonderful bonus. And I think I’m really serious here… like I’m okay with commitment serious.
It’s weird, but also not. I’m completely myself when we’re together. He puts up with me being loud and obnoxious. I think he actually finds it funny. We’re absolutely ridiculous together and play like we’re 5 years old – we actually fought today to the point where we fell off my bed – but we’ve had deeper conversations than I’ve ever had with any of my other friends. We’ve been through a lot of the same situations, in different time frames and ways, but still similar, so we kind of get each other in ways others don’t.
Yeah he can be lazy as shit, and he smokes too much, but I really don’t care. I’ve always been fine being “with” guys, as in spending the time between sun down and sun up together doing things that really don’t take a ton of thought. But this… every time Nick talks about the past year, how hard it was for him, how he was in that place that I know all too well, all I want to do is make him not feel like that. Maybe it’s just because I know how it feels to be there. Or maybe its just because I know the happy, kind him that has so much damn potential that he just doesn’t see. I know part of that is the issue because that’s what his dad rips on him for, but I’m sure his dad does it in the same way my loving mother reminds me about my weight. The idea of him being around a lot really doesn’t bother me. He does that thing where I start to get all freaked out and tense, and then it suddenly stops, I don’t feel that way anymore. As someone who is constantly stressed, finding someone who can make you feel that kind of calm is something quite impressive.
…I guess I really like him.
I used to think that I could help people, make their situations better, help them get through the bad and remember how much they’re worth. But over time I realized we can’t help anyone other than ourselves. The only way we can help is by showing kindness, radiating inner peace, and proving that you can overcome. You cannot change someone else’s situation, you can only hope that yours can inspire to help others through their own hard times.
I’m really sorry, but these make me swoon so hard…
See now look at you finding the silver lining
It’s one thing I’m usually good for
That makes one of us
Hence why you keep me around
Its more you keeping me around
No my darling. You clearly don’t have a clue what you have done for me in such a short time. How you respect me, and put up with me, and for whatever reason chose me to show so much kindness to. You are someone who is so intensely independent but you share your time with me. You have opened up to me, and I haven’t a clue why. In my absolute worst, you saw me for my best. When there are so many things going wrong and confusing me, and in a situation where I normally run and hide, I have never been more confident. I never believed what anyone said about the positive side of relationships or any of those feelings things, and you told me you might prove to me that all men don’t suck. You kept your word and continue to do so over and over.
No this has not been easy, nor has it been perfect, but I would not have it any other way. I am excited to see where this all goes. I have never been more excited about the future before. Normally the future scares me, but for once, I am positive about all that is to come.
So Nick asked me out this weekend. There’s potential for dates in the future. Real dates. Not just weekend hanging out with friends.
There was also an awkward slip in about me still tolerating him 30 years from now (Tolerating is what I use to say I like you). 30 years from now… Well thats a rather long time, and a statement that I probably would have freaked out an run from that kind of committal idea. But it was oddly comforting… Like I wasn’t weirded out at all.
My ex used to mention being together a few months into the future and it made me baby barf. But this is 30 years into the future and it didn’t make me feel weird at all. The thoughts that make me want to puke? This summer. 3 months apart. My birthday being home away from him and my other friends here. When he gets his own place and doesn’t need to get away from home if he’ll stop coming to visit on a random week night. Saying or doing something that might scare him away. After graduation life. Those are the things that terrify me.
The other morning was absolute perfection, and if I could wake up that way every day, I’d be extremely content with my life.
You know when you’re life is like a movie you never want to stop watching. I think I’m there.
An extremely interesting read leading up to the olympic season.
Saw it on a website today, kind of makes sense for just about everything I’m doing right now. If you feel comfortable all the time, you’re doing life wrong.
I’ve gotten into a funk lately of just doing whatever was easiest, or caused the least amount of problems. After the amount of trouble caused by last semester, I was really just out of energy to do anything that took some kind of effort. But there are a lot of things that I want to do now, and it is going to take a lot of stepping outside the comfort box to make a reality. I’ve already taken a step by submitting my first internship application yesterday. It’s outside of my major choice of study, but I have a lot of experience from all of my odd jobs I’ve worked over the years. Hopefully someone will look more into my experience and less into my education. Quite frankly I think my work experience would actually make it harder to get a job in my major area because I look like I’m completely unqualified to be a teacher. Oh well.
I’m crossing my fingers extra tight. That’s just one of many applications that will go out over the next few months.
Wish me luck!
Originally posted on Thought Catalog:
1. Coming to the door to pick someone up.
I think we’ve all had it with the incredibly unromantic “here” text, and meeting up always seems to be more casual and platonic than the alternative. Of course, meeting someone from online or any circumstance like that would probably be the exception to this rule, but generally: the 30 seconds it takes to get out of a car or cab and knock on the door makes a huge difference.
2. Trying to dress really nicely for a date.
“Nicely” means different things for different people, so I think it’s just a matter of putting effort into how you put yourself together to go out with someone. It’s not about wearing suits and petticoats again, but just realizing that, whether or not we like to accept it, appearance does count for something, and we should do our best to make sure that…
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